Dating apps, 'situationships', and their subsequent disappointments are fairly common conversation topics between young women, whether single or partnered. In a recent talk on men and dating apps, one of my friends who had recently broken-up with her long-term partner said: "You know, I'm tired of finding someone to stay with, I'm going boysober for now". I hadn't heard the term before. Looking it up online, I found a worldwide movement, in which mostly young women decided to prioritise other aspects of their lives over relationships. Some testimonials revealed that they had not had the chance to stay focused on their own life without thinking of men, evidencing that since their adolescence their energy was spent on finding partners. Women who decided to go 'boysober' wanted time off to think of other aspects of life that did not include romantic dates or sexual partners. Boysober stands for a modern type of 'celibacy', mainly by young straight women drained by dating apps and situationships.
On the podcast Ladies We Need to Talk, there is a 20-minute interview on "Quitting men: Hope Woodard's 'boysober' movement". The creator of the expression, Hope Woodard, explains why she came up with this notion in an era where dating apps became central as a buffer to soften loneliness. After having time off from apps and hook-ups she said: "I had so much ownership of my body, my s
pace and my time, I just realised when I stepped back, how many times I had said yes to men when it came to sex or romance just to not hurt their feelings".
Hope's term led to a global movement of women who felt they also needed to step back from men's attention in their life to focus on other aspects. Since Hope had her first sexual interaction with boys at the age of 13, she felt her world revolved around men's validation. Ceasing her romantic life temporarily was a form of being away from "getting validation for being considered attractive, for having sex and romantic connection, dating relentlessly, swiping constantly".
'Boysober', according to Hope, creates a pattern where romantic dating is off the table for modern women – not to hide their sexual desires but to get back control of themselves. "Now I feel safe, whereas beforehand when men and romances were so at the core of everything, I was never safe. Because without it, I had nothing".
